Friday, March 18, 2005

Recipe: How To Look Like A Weirdo.

1. Go to Target. 2. Wander around the pet supply aisle muttering to yourself and count on your fingers calculating the volume of food three cats will consume in three months and the volume of shit that will be produced from that consumption. 3. Load your cart with sixty pounds of cat food and two hundred pounds of Arm and Hammer clumping litter. 4. Try to pretend you don’t see people staring at you as you lean into the cart inching it toward checkout. Smile weakly at the security guards following you and the mother of the small child you almost kill. 5. Shout “Goddamit Goddamit! GODDAMIT!” in the parking garage when one of the 18-pound bags of cat food busts open and explodes ocean fish flavor pellets all over your back seat.


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