Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Okay, well. . . yeah. This sucks ass.

Before I left for London this spring I went to my OB/GYN to do my yearly exam, which is always a blast. My pap came back with some "abnormalities" (which I know happens to everybody) and he wanted to do a Colposcopy. Problem is they weren't able to fit me in before I left. I called and they said that it wouldn't be a big deal to do it when I came back. I come back and because so much time had passed, my doc suggested that we just do another pap and then see if the test was still recommended. Guess who gets to have her you know what stuck under a microscope and biopsies taken of her cervix? I should have just had the test a couple of weeks ago. Now, I need to try and get in ASAP. I leave my job in a month (Jesus, it will be so nice to not have to stay at a job I hate just because there is good medical insurance) so this needs to be somewhat sorted before I leave. I am sure it will be all fine. And if it isn't fine. . . If it is not fine, they have doctors over there too. What I am worried about actually isn't cervical cancer. I'm scared I am presenting with something else. A few years ago I had massive pain in my jaw. I was tired all the time and was taking 15-20 over the counter painkillers just to get through the day. I thought I had the cavity from hell so I went to the dentist-- but no cavity. My dentist sent me to an endodontist because she thought I might need a root canal. The endodontist said I didn't need a root canal. He sent me to an oral surgeon because he thought I might have TMJ. The oral surgeon said that I didn't have TMJ but that there was an odd blob mass thing coming up in my x-ray and he wanted to operate to remove and biopsy it. Big fun. But I got a lot of vicadin out of the entire experience. Turns out that it wasn't cancer. . . Big Yeah! Bad news was it was Langerhans cell histiocytosis a disease so rare my oncologist barely remembered it being discussed in Medical School. (If you want a lesson in fear, sit in the waiting room of people who are really ill then go talk to your doctor and realize you know more about your disease than she does. She wouldn't even speak to a expert in LCH who offered to consult with her-- Dr. Kenneth McClain). Fucking doctors and their fucking egos. Anyway. Basically the disease is certain kinds of white blood cells go nutty. The cells multiply excessively and cause various not fun things. But it isn't cancer. I had more tests than someone in their early 30's wants to deal with and at the end of it we couldn't find anything else so they said that it looked like a one time dealio and that I was in remission and sent me on my way. Knowing that you might present again prickles in the back of your head. Not that I am that stressed about it. The disease is typically not fatal in adults- is more so with children. I'm not really freaked out right now. Just mildly freaked out. I realized this reads like I am extremely freaked out. I would say on the freak-out scale I am at a good solid 4. I am concerned, but not insane. It's just between trying to find homes for the cats, trying to be a bit thinner so I don't look like a gum ball in my dress, thinking about the move, being worried about cash, planning the wedding, just plain stress from leaving my life here. . . well this could push me into a bit of crying if I let it. I know this will be nothing. And even if it is something it will be dealt with and if I have to deal with it in London I will. I just really rather not deal with this bullshit. Can’t I just dump everything in the dumpster, quit my job, get hitched, hop on a plane and not have any fucking drama? It seems like a reasonable goddamn request. Just keep swimming. . . just keep swimming. . .

2 Comments:

At 8/31/2005 07:50:00 PM, Blogger melusina said...

Sorry to hear you are going through all this. Things always seem to pile on when you can't handle any more, don't they?

I really hope all goes well with your tests, and it isn't a relapse (or cancer).

Like you said, just keep swimming. Hopefully there will be lots of good days ahead.

 
At 8/31/2005 08:11:00 PM, Blogger Nicole said...

Thanks! I'm fine. It is just the last thing I want to think about. My poor mom and sty became rather concerned that I was losing the plot. I think I just needed to have a "I am mad as hell. . ." moment.

 

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